Personal 27 Mar 2007 08:23 pm
To get a job, or to not get a job …
… is that the question?
As I mentioned in a previous blog entry a while ago, I applied for a “real job” - the first “real job” I’d applied for since I applied to teach at Hampshire College in 1989 (academia is only arguably “real” - if that doesn’t count, it’s the first “real job” I ever applied for.) I found out today that I didn’t get that job (it was for the Executive Director of the Maezumi Institute.) When I first saw the job advertisement, it almost seemed like someone had designed the job for me and my relatively unique set of skiils - it combined education with activism with spirituality, and other things. I would have enjoyed it. But, the job obviously wasn’t really designed for me. I wish the person who did get the job all the best. I’d love to see the Institute flourish.
I hadn’t expected to apply for a job at all - I was continuing to do technology consulting, even though it felt somewhat unsatisfying. I was “working” part time coordinating NOSI (the quotes are due to the lack of remuneration, not the lack of work,) which I am still doing. The process of applying for this particular job was, in some ways, useful, although excruciating. Why excruciating? Because it made it much more clear to me the kinds of things I want to be doing, and the directions I want to be going. It made it so clear, in fact, that I decided to stop doing technology consulting, to open up time and focus for other things. And it also made clear that there is what feels like an overwhelming obstacle course between me and those things.
The obstacles are of my own making, of course. It’s my own unique set of doubts, misconceptions and illusions. My very own personal ball of suffering. There is nothing quite like feeling suspended in mid air, not really feeling like you know how it is you are supposed to get from here, to where you are meant to be going. Talk about twisting in the wind.
I remember vividly, when starting seminary, and hearing so many people talk about their “call” to ministry - the sense of clarity I had, and the sense of knowing I was in the right place. There is still, a clear sense of real knowing of where I’m supposed to be. But unlike just going to seminary, I haven’t figured out yet how to get there from here. And I can’t help thinking that probably, what’s true is that aphorism in a Maine accent “you can’t get there from here…” there are other places that I yet need to go before I get to where ever it is I’m supposed to be going.